HP and the Curse of the Constricting Underpants
by NibblesMcGee
Summary: Harry recieves a mysterious package sent from Snape...


Harry was piling underwear in his cauldron, then he stopped. Too much he thought. So he took some out.  
  
"I can put them in the laundry."he said.  
  
The year went by uneventfully at Hogwarts, (which is very intriguing)until Christmas Day.  
  
Harry and Ron(the only two left) woke to a wave of presents.  
  
"How'd we get this many?"ron asked.  
  
"Dunno,"Harry replied,"who cares.  
  
They ripped paper, the usual from everyone, except a black wrapping paper wrapped present caught Harry's eye.He tore the package and found a note, and a pair of tighty-whities. The note said:  
  
Dear Harry,  
  
I thought you needed some more underwear, I read your thoughts, and you've been wearing the same pair for 2 months. You're welcome.  
  
Professor Snape  
  
"That's kind of him." Harry said thoughtfully, and pulled them on. But they kept getting smaller and smaller!!!!  
  
"Walllghh! HELP!!!" he shouted, "THEY'RE CUTTING OFF MY CIRCULATION!!!". Ron, who took no notice, thoght the Tighty-Whities looked pretty comfy, so he slipped on a pair. But nothing happened. "Don't be a prat, Harry! Underwear does NOT constrict!". Harry was in too much pain to contradict Ron. Suddenly, the door burst open and Hermione and Hagrid walked in. "Gulpin' gargoyles 'n gallopin' gorgons, Harry! W'sup with you?!". "Oh, Harry!", laughed Hermione,"Nice breifs! Tee Hee!"  
  
"Oh ha ha, you two. Now look at what Snape has done to me!!!"Harry screamed.His waist was now a mere ten inches around.  
  
Hagrid took out his pink umbrella and was about to blast off the underwear, when Harry shouted,"No! Stop! Look where you're aiming at!!"  
  
Hagrid dropped the umbrella and it clattered on the floor with a bang. The end exploded and a red flash came, vanishing the leg of Harry's bed, sending Harry sprawling on the ground, when Snape walked in.  
  
"I see you got my package."he sneered."Now," cackled Snape, quite crazily, "I'm going to leave, and assume my highly unpredictable and unreliable spell all went to plan, and Potter will die! Tee hee hee!". Snape vanished in a puff of chatruese and plaid smoke. I've got him, though, Harry thought, the spell is completely unreliable, so I won't die! Most unfortunatly for Harry, Snape was wrong, it was the most predictable spell in the book, so Harry's tighty-whities just kept getting tighter and, half an hour later, his evil undies showed no sign of relenting. Hermione had performed a tricky charm that made Harry's waist grow so large, he looked like Dudley. Luckily, the underwear's waistband had slowed contortion, as Harry's stomach was so huge. "We've got to find a way to help Harry!" Ron shouted. "We could take the underwear off," mused Hermione. "Are you nuts?" bellowed Harry, "I don't have anything on underneath them on!". "We can't go to Dumbledore, or any other teacher," muttered Ron. "Why?" Hermione questioned. "Because then it would totally ruin the whole story!". Hermione decided to leaf through her spellbooks for an Anti-Contracting Elastic spell. "Let's see, underwear...boxers, no...breifs! Aha!" she shouted, and went to tell Ron the spell she found. "See?" she showed Ron, "The name of the charm is the..."  
  
"Y-ess" sputtered Harry, whose waist was now so thin, he looked like Christina Augelaria(spelling?). "So, 'twas you, Snape!" thundered Hagrid.  
  
"No-o!" Snape rplied sweetly. "Oh. Alright, Professor." replied Hagrid, who then said "Nice ter see ya, Harry, Ron, Hermione," and took off at a run. "He he!" cackled Snape evily. "Why are you doing this, Professor?" cried Hermione. "No reason," replied Snape cooly. "500 points from Gryffindor for you questioning my power to give Potter a package of deadly shrinking underwear." Snape added, as an afterthought. "Oy, Scumbag!" shouted Ron to Snape, over Harry's groaning, "how did you do this?". "Well, I used a highly expirimental and unpredictable charm that may stop at any moment now, which I highly doubt(but then, it's me) on Potter's elastic waistband.Then I wrapped up the bewitched breifs and sent them to Potter. And 500 points from Gryffindor for saying 'Oy' to a teacher."  
  
The three sat and pondered, Harry feeling foolish in the common room wearing only underwear.  
  
"Oh, I need to find something!!!!There has to be some way!"Harry said squeakily.  
  
"Nice briefs Potter!"Malfoy yelled in the halls now that classes were back again.Some girls fluttered their eyelids, and boys snickered.  
  
One day in Care of Magical Creatures, they were reporting skrewts again. One shot up sparks near Harry's waist, and the underpants gave a huge blammo!!!Harry stood covering his area *cough cough*.  
  
"Put some shorts on Harry."Hagrid said.  
  
"Yay!" shouted Harry, dancing about in the nude. "The blasted breifs are gone! I can breath again! Joy! Take that, Snape!". But as soon as Harry said this, Snape ran in and said "Blast it Potter, put some pants on! Here!". He handed Harry a pair of khakis. Harry thought this was down right generous of Snape, so he just said, "Bless you, dear Severus," and put on the pants. Unfortunatly, as soon as Harry put them on, Snape giggled "Oh, you! Tee hee hee hee hee! Constrictius!", and put a constriction spell on the belt loops. He then ran out, with his arms curled up high and giggling. The rest of the Slytherins followed Snape, all giggling.  
  
Back in the dormitory after an excruciating dinner, trying to get a slice of treacle tart to stay under his waistband, Harry crawled breathlessly over to the windowsill. Hedwig sat there taking the evening air. 'Hedwig, deliver this letter to every magical creature round this bloomin' school,' gasped Harry. 'Just find something that can help me.' Hedwig turned, spotted Harry's alluring hour-glass figure, clutched her wings to her stomach and fell out of the window squawking with mirth. 'You horrible bird!' spluttered Harry. 'It takes something like this to smoke out your sense of humour, does it?'  
  
Two hours later, Hedwig returned with a note wrapped round her leg. 'Hurrah!' squeaked Harry. Ron ripped the note off, sending Hedwig double- somersaulting backwards, and read it aloud. 'Hey, Harry. It's advice from the centaurs! It says, "Mars is in a tight spot tonight. Extraordinarily tight. Lots of love, Ronan and Bane." Blimey, Harry, shall I go and pull out their tails for you?'  
  
Poor old Harry lay on his bed sweating, Snape's giggling face uppermost in his mind. Hedwig was nowhere to be seen, but Harry swore he could hear hysterical hooting coming from the Owlery. 'I wish I had that bad Winky for a pet,' whispered Harry to himself. 'At least she'd keep my secrets for me.'  
  
All hope gone, Harry could feel those infernal khakis pinching the life out of him. He couldn't believe he'd survived the worst the Dark Lord could throw at him, and now a pair of trews was going to do him in. But little did he know that at that moment, Firenze, neighing 'Mars be blowed', was galloping away under the light of the full moon towards the Shrieking Shack, whence came the horrific howls and roars of a tortured soul...  
  
...It was Malfoy. "Wha?!" gasped Harry. Hermione giggled. "Oh, I put a Loosening Charm on his pants! Now they keep falling down! Tee hee hee!". "But why's he in the Shrieking Shack?", asked Harry. "Mmm mmm hmmm," said Hermione, shrugging. "Let's go get some photos, right?" Ron said. So they took Colin Creevey and his camera to the shack and they found Malfoy, with his pants round his ankles, his Scooby Doo patterned boxers plainly visible under his shirt. "Ooh, Malfoy, could you turn this way? Can you stop flailing and hold still? I need this if we're going to blackmail you!".  
  
"I'LL GET YOU POTTER!!!!!" Malfoy shouted, tryed to run towards them, but tripped over his pants. He fell with a thud on the floor, and the camera's flash continued to, well, flash. Harry Ron and Hermione left the Shrieking Shack. The Whomping Willow was itself and wouldn't let them pass. Harry trie to get pass the flailing branches, but ne caught him. It ripped his pants(which fell to the ground) and chunked him into the lake. There Moaning Myrtle giggled, because Harry wasn't wearing anything except a shirt.  
  
Snape came skipping up singing,  
  
"Tra la la fa la la de da. Well, well, Mister Potter, no pants again. 500 points off Gryffindor for not dying like I wanted you to."  
  
Ron ran up to Snape and yelled,  
  
"You hook-nosed freak! Get away from my friend!"  
  
"Mister Weasley, that's another 5.." Snape tried to say, but Hermione ran up behind him and shanked his drawers to the ground. Snape stood there, dumbfounded, thinking,  
  
"Wow, that's a nice breeze!"  
  
As Snape was standing there, dreamily contemplating his new-found airiness, Ron, Hermione and the now-dripping Harry became gradually aware of a tall, prickly presence behind them.  
  
"Well, really, Severus!" came the astonished voice of Professor McGonagall. "Whatever do you think you are doing? We're supposed to set an example to the students. And skinny-dipping in the Lake in February is definitely against School rules."  
  
"Potter, Weasley, Miss Granger, I'll see you in my office in 5 minutes," she said. Then, glancing at Snape, she hesitated for a moment, and smiled coyly. "Oh, Severus", she cooed, I'll see you in my office later, too. We can discuss the Hogwarts entry for the Triwizard Nude Teacher's Gymnastics Tournament." Professor McGonagall winked at the de-bagged Potions master. "I can see you have the necessary qualifications" she said with a grin.  
  
She gave Snape a playful slap and turned and walked swiftly away, as the three students did their best to stifle their giggles.  
  
Snape rounded on them with fury and humiliation burning in his face. "Right, you three..." he began, looking as though he was about to start spitting flames. But Ron piped up suddenly,  
  
"Er, Sir, don't you think you should put your underpants back on?"  
  
The evil Potions master glared as though he would like to inflict a slow and painful death on each of them, but before he said anything else he stooped to pull on the forgotten underpants. What he didn't realise, was that while Professor McGonagall had been speaking, Hermione had taken out her wand and enchanted Snape's drawers with a shrinking charm she remembered from "Curses and Counter-Curses" by Vindictus Viridian.  
  
"Gotcha!" Hermione yelled, as the underpants began to bite...  
  
  
  
Severus limped slowly to his office, the underpants biting rather hard on his nether regions. He search frantically for anything to relieve his growing discomfort. As the minutes ticked by he grew more alarmed, so alarmed that he decided to try and curse them off like Eloise Midgeon, but, fortunately, remembered her mistake before trying such a drastic action.  
  
After the pain of his rapidly shrinking underpants became too gruesome to bear, he crawled painfully to the office of Professor McGonagall. He knocked on the door with his noodle, as his hands were clamped on his underpants, trying to relieve the tensions that were growing.  
  
Professor McGonagall opened the door, and, seeing no one, promptly slammed the door on Snape's head. The door would not close, so she slammed it again even harder. Then the Professor heard a soft moan coming from the region of her ankles. Looking down she saw Snape lying pawing helplessly at his underpants. Grabbing him beneath his arms, she braced herself and dragged him into the room, setting him on a chair.  
  
"What is wrong with you, Severus? This is not like you," enquired Professor McGonagall, in a concerned voice.  
  
"My... underpants... keep... trying... to kill meeee!" cried Professor Snape in a strangled voice.  
  
"Oh, my!" said Professor McGonagall, with a rather odd look in her eye as she stared at the helpless man writhing in her office chair. "Well, Severus, let's have a look at the problem, shall we?" she said, the hint of a smile beginning to play on the corners of her mouth. "Hmmm, let's see. What about... Waddiwasi!" She waved her wand at Snape, but the only effect of this was to send him flying across the room, where he slammed heavily against the mantlepiece above the fire.  
  
"Oh well," said Professor McGonagall, as Snape fell back onto the cold, stone floor. "It was worth a try. I guess we will have to do this the old fashioned way."  
  
Snape began to whimper, and tried to scramble across the floor away from her, but she was too quick for his sluggish crawl. Professor McGonagall grabbed the waistband of Snape's tortured underpants and began to tug with all her witchly might. She grunted and groaned and heaved as hard as she could, but it was no use, the underpants would not budge.  
  
Just then, the door to her office swung open and in strode Professor Dumbledore, his long, purple robes sweeping the floor. Professor McGonagall looked up to stare at him with a frozen look of horror on her face.  
  
"Well, Minerva, I can see that you are busy. I'll speak with you later," said Dumbledore, with a twinkle. "Oh, by the way, nice underpants, Severus," he said, a smile playing on his lips. "Good day to you both." And he strode out of the room, his robes swishing as he went.  
  
"No, no!" shouted Professor McGonagall, running to catch him up. "It's not what you think!" And the wounded Professor Snape was once more left to the terrors of his relentlessly tightening underpants.  
  
a large, rapidly revolving shape appeared in the fireplace, via Floo Powder. It was Gilderoy Lockhart. "Why, hello, Sevy!", said Lockhart cheerfully. "Mmmmffph-splutter!", choked Snape. "Oh, I'm coming back to teach D.A.D.A.!" said Lockhart merrily. "Now that I've got my memory back, I can teach again!". Gilderoy suddenly noticed Snape's rapidly shrinking Dark Mark patterned boxers. "Oh, the Elasticus Charm!", crowed Lockhart. "I once saved a man's life when he had that charm put on him! I tackled him, pointed my wand at his waist, did the incredibly complex Loosining Charm, and they slipped right off! For full story, see my new book, Dancing with Demons!", Lockhart continued, in a bragging tone. "I'm also making a book called 'Macarenas with Monsters', and 'Walking with weirdos'." Snape rolled his watery eyes, as Lockhart continued on...and on...and on...until, finally, 3 days later, when Lockhart had finally collapsed from sleepiness.  
  
And with a bang Sirius Black races into the room. "I heard some weird noises around here, so I decided to check it out." He looked down at Snape, whos face was bright purple, and nearly passed out.  
  
"Not the way I'd approach a woman, but hey, each to his own, right?"  
  
Sirius began laughing hysterically. "Lucky I brought my camera, huh! Smile, Severus! You're never going to forget this moment, I'll see to that. Now... do you want to be in color, black and white, 8 by 11, 12 by 14, or all of the above? Don't worry, I'll be sure to send you the triples after I send Remus the negatives."  
  
Severus growled wiggled over to Sirius on his elbows, and grabbed Sirius's ankles. With all of his energy, he tried to pull Sirius to the ground and Sirius fell to the floor with a dull thud. Lockhart awoke with a start. "Oh, why hello, infamous escaped murderer, the well known Sirius Black! Taking a picture, eh? Well, I'll get in it too, can't do better than that!". Lockhart helped Sirius up, and then grabbed Snape in a tight head lock. "This is a move from when I was a pro Wrestler, I call it the Lockhart Lock. I would've been champion of the universe, but I'd rather erase the Dark Wizards! For the whole story, read 'Golfing with Goblins', my latest book...". Sirius snapped about 28 pictures. He had to because Lockhart kept trying to get in the front and center. "So, I'm off to give these to Rita Skeeter!", crowed Sirius happily. "Goodbye, muderous convict, Sirius Black!" shouted Lockhart after him, still tightly gripping Snape's skull.  
  
"Get off my neck, you Yuppie!" sploofered Snape. He shoved Lockhart back, and pantsed him. He then put a spell on Lockhart's boxer shorts, which were patterned with his photo. "Squeezly Whoopsy!" bellowed Snape, and Lockhart's shorts began to constrict and contract speedily. "Now really, Sevy," mumbled Lockhart, who was quite embarrassed to have his underwear in such a weird state, "I know the countercurse! Huntslenoots!". Lockhart's undies expolded, blowing him out into the hall. Suddenly, Flitwick hobbled in "Look at this, Severus!" he chirped, holding up the Daily Divinater. "You made front cover!"  
  
PROFESSOR'S PANTSING PROBLEM  
  
It seems that though Snape can't keep his pants on, writes Rita Skeeter, queen of the universe. He frequently drops his robes in class. "Snape has been dropping his pants ever since I first arrived at this school" says Harry Potter, some unknown 5th year...  
  
Malfoy turned to face them with a gasp, and his face turned a deep and quite attractive shade of red.  
  
"You- you-" he stuttered, too angry and embarrassed to do more than stand there, holding tightly his struggling underpants.  
  
Colin clicked away madly, for he was still there. "Ooh, you like Scooby Doo, too, Malfie?" asked tiny Colin. "Oh, sure, great animation and plots," said Malfoy absentmindedly, trying to knock out his boxer shorts with his wand.  
  
"See here?", said Flitwick in a squeaky voice. "Ermph, it...ugh...was...erck, all...a...lie!", puffed Snape. "No, it's not!", said Harry, who just ran in from the hall. "He mooned me in class just this Tuesday!", said Harry.  
  
Just as Flitwick said this Professor Lupin walked in and heared the word 'moon.'  
  
"MOON? AWWWWW!!!" and he ran off howling, his clothes getting tighter and tighter.  
  
"I think his underwear are getting tight!" Exclaimed Malfoy. "We need to save him! Forget my petty problem, we must go help poor innocent wolfish Lupin!"  
  
Everyone in the room all jumped up and scrambled out the door, getting briefly stuck in the doorway, and continued on their quest.  
  
Lupin ran out the door, just as he ran out his clothes exploded off his wolfish body. "Hey that's a good idea." said Malfoy and attempted to blast off his constricting underwear.  
  
It didn't work and he accidently blasted a hole in the castle instead.  
  
Every teacher in the school (except Snape because he was on the floor in agony) ran out of the building with the sounds of girls screaming. Malfoy had accidently blasted a hole in the girls bathroom on the 1st floor. "Five million points from Slytherin and detention for Malfoy." shrieked Professor McGonagall.  
  
" Mister Malfoy, I'm quite shocked at you for trying to see girls in the bathroom. We've had people sneak in there before, but never have we had anyone blast the wall off. REPARO!" said Professor Dumbledore.  
  
Dumbledore then looked over at all the people squirming over constricting underpants. He then laughed and went to his office. Hermione immediatly ran in saying she found the counter spell. It became silent. She tried the spell "renturnea noramalixa" Then Severous started screaming. "They're shrinking faster. 1000 points from Gryffindor!"  
  
"Renturnea noramalixa!" Hermione shreiked, really rather terrified that if she didn't, Snape would suffocate.  
  
"No no NO!!" Ron raced in, "That's not the right one! How could you put SnapeyWapey in such misery? Are you human? Renturnea normaliXARUS!"  
  
"Ron, I knew I'd taught you something!" It was Lockhart again from God knows where.  
  
Ron gasped, "Oh, I know- you're the best teacher I've ever had, Gildy!" And they went into one of those overly-mushy family sequences too sickening to deserve printing.  
  
"Yo Bradys, I'm dying down here!" Ron and Lockhart turned from their tears of mirth to see Snape where we saw him last, moaning with pain. "And my hands are stuck!"  
  
And there were his hands: stuck in the back of his briefs.  
  
The next day of classes, everyone sniggered around Proffesor Snape who's hands were clenched on his rear-end.  
  
"Now students, take your pufferfish and cut them like this..."Snape tried to cut the pufferfish with his hands, so which meant he had to moon the whole class. The Gryffindors went itno a fit of giggles and Neville accidentally splashed his head into their Helium Potions.  
  
"AAAAHHHH!!!!!" Neville screeched as his head scraped the dungeon ceiling.  
  
"Mr. Longbottom! 400 points from Gryffindor for touching my precious ceiling!" he turned on the rest of the Gryffindors with his hands still holding his bum tightly."As for the rest of you! STOP LAUGHING!!!!" he collapsed into a melting blob of cotton candy. A herd of hungry first years ran into the dungeons squealing with delight at the cotton candy. 


End file.
